Time, Time, Time…


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September 24th, 2014

“Time, time, time… see what’s become of me…”

Hazy Shade of Winter by Paul Simon

Time is moving too fast and I don’t like it anymore.

It isn’t about vanity or youth. I’m not afraid of getting old, losing my looks, or not knowing the names of celebrities on covers of magazines that I don’t read. To be honest, I never enjoyed being young, anyway. It’s over-rated, and even at the time, I knew it. I couldn’t wait to get older and so far, I’ve enjoyed it. The lines around my eyes – the inability to tolerate anyone under 30 years old – the utter confusion I experience while trying to operate one of those hip cellular phone contraptions – I’ve considered these things very fair trades for the freedom, self-confidence, and personal empowerment of age. Maybe I’ll feel differently in another twenty years – I don’t know – but I like where I am now: young enough to have a future and old enough to have a past.

But the passage of time itself… it’s eerie, isn’t it? The way it creeps and crawls, slithering as it steals hours, days, weeks… years; it’s a thief of the deadliest, quietest kind. It makes you look back and take inventory, to be sure. And today seems to be a good day for looking back a little.

I can say with full conviction that I have no regrets, and in that, I know, I am lucky. I’m not sorry about my choices, but I do sometimes wonder what the hell I was thinking. It’s never the actions I took that bother me; it’s the actions I didn’t take – the time that I wasted. I feel lucky that I’m 37 years old rather than 57 or 67, and that is a great comfort to me on the days I get down on myself for all the time I spent being afraid and doing what I was told.

But still, just a minute ago, it was 1994. That means the next 20 years will likely come – and go – just as fast. And yeah… that kind of bothers me. I only hope I know myself a little more this time around, and that instead of going whichever way the general flow takes me, I have the smarts and spine to continue carving out my own path. After nearly 10 years of concentrated effort and near-ruthless intent, I’m finally on to a few good things in life; things I have to protect, defend, preserve, and foster. I know circumstances change and that anything can happen. I can’t control everything in the universe, but I can – and will – make sure that anyone who puts an unwelcomed, obstructing hand into my affairs pulls back a bloody stump.

Maybe this makes me an asshole. I don’t think so, but maybe. Really, I just don’t feel I have time to waste. That’s the one thing I do miss about being young: the sense that time is unlimited. But time even takes that from us, though in this case, I think it’s a good thing. It’s forced me to move. It’s made me aware. I know now that I don’t have all the time in the world, and I consider that a profound – though sometimes painful – grace.

I know I don’t have time for a lot of things. I don’t have time to wait for inspiration. I don’t have time to complain about what I should have done. I don’t have time for television. I don’t have time to argue about things I can’t control with people who don’t agree. I don’t have time to pursue unfulfilling relationships, and I don’t have time to wait until there’s enough time to do whatever it is that needs to be done. I have to make time… and that is my best – if not only – defense against that sneaky little thief called Time.

~A~

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6 responses to “Time, Time, Time…

  1. Age 37 seems to be a year of reflection for many and I’m glad you took stock and see that time is not to waste.

    At age thirty-seven, I had two strokes, a major and a minor, and an NDE … nothing like that type of experience to wake the senses into understanding every breathe is to be used for a purpose.

    I faced more crisis situations but passing into eternity had already started. it starts at birth into this world. Many fear the passage, but our time in these mortal bodies is so fleeting and there is much to learn.

    Regret when coddled is a tool to stunt growth. Using it to fulfill your task, and facing the mountains only you have to climb, is essential in accepting all as the pattern you weave to return to the stars, the cosmos, to God.

    May your trek into the future hold what you seek, and happiness be your companion.

  2. Very enjoyable read! I am 63 yrs. old and I feel the same as I did when I was 30. Of course I cannot do all the things I did when I was 30 but in my heart and mind, there is no difference! I thank the Good Lord that he has seen fit to let me be on this earth to watch my children and grandchildren grow! To meet the people I have met good, bad or indifferent, I will cherish my time that I have left on this earth knowing that I have been blessed. Not with monetary means but the riches of love, family and special friends.

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