The Secret Lives of Men

Hello, all,

For writing, I’ve recently been doing a lot of research on human nature, sex, and the differences between men and women. And I’m stunned by all the very bad advice and mostly inaccurate articles about the ‘mysterious’ ways of men… so here – based on myself and the men I’ve known – is some real-life clarification:

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1)      We don’t hate chick flicks because we’re out of touch with our feelings. We hate them because they’re predictable and unimaginative.

2)      We are not unimpressed by other people’s newborn babies because we lack paternal instincts. We are unimpressed by them because they, too, are predictable and unimaginative.

3)      There are no deeply rooted psychological reasons why we touch ourselves so much. We touch it because it’s there, and very often, it’s in the way.


4)      We do not enjoy the sexy skimpy underwear you buy us and we will never wear them. This isn’t because we don’t appreciate the effort or even because we’re afraid of feeling girly. It’s mostly because the manufacturing process of sexy skimpy underwear for men doesn’t seem to take into account the reality of testicles.

5)      Often times, the reason we seem to shy away from commitment isn’t due to issues of monogamy. Often, it is because the female in question is making premature demands and thereby exhibiting emotionally unstable qualities. That will send us off running in the other direction because – holy shit… there’s nothing creepier than a woman with a glint in her eye and an unreasonable fantasy on her mind.

6)      Sometimes we don’t feel like having sex either. And that is okay. It’s not personal.


7)      We really like the way you smell as is. Please, stop with the perfumes and those hideous Victoria’s Secret lotions.

8)      We do not like women who base their sense of worth on our opinions of them. That’s weak, and it’s tough to respect.

9)      We aren’t even a third as insecure or sensitive about our masculinity as society says we are. We simply feel more in our element when we’re in a dominant role. It really is that simple.

10)  We really don’t worry that much about our penis size. Really. And we abhor women who put emphasis on this.


11)  Generally – but not always – we like our sex aggressive and animal-like. We mean no disrespect with our snarling, hissing, growling, and spanking, but if it offends you a little, well, we like that, too.


12)  Some days, we feel fat, too. And emotional.

13)  We do not like women who pine for men. It’s just boring is what it is. Unless, of course, you’re naked.

14)  We all know, on some inherent level, that women are tougher than us. For some, but not all, this is cause for power battles.


15)  We are all willing to behave like gentlemen, so long as we’re in the presence of a lady. The presence of a real lady demands it, and we know this.

16)  We really do revert to infancy when we’re sick. I don’t know why. We just do.

17)  We really don’t like big fake boobs, so don’t be getting that shit done on our account.

18)  We don’t really care about anything we can’t take pride in. So, if you want us to like your cat, make us feel like it’s our cat.


19)  The fastest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s with respect and loyalty. If you can cook, great, but it’s not really a big deal. Unless, of course, you’re naked. We like that.

20)  We don’t think we’re smarter or more capable than you. We don’t even know why, statistically, we still make more money. We don’t think it’s fair, either.

21)  We like power. It’s our strongest weakness. And with this knowledge, the smart women rule us – and their worlds – entirely.

22)  We like being alone. A lot. And we enjoy silence. Unless, of course, you’re naked.

23)  Tattoos. Please, just don’t. Please?

24)  Yes. We think about sex a lot. And so do you. So… let’s have sex. Rough sex.


25) Oh, and we will always want to have a threesome. We just will. Never let us have it… just accept that we will always want it.


26) We really can be just friends with you. Unless, of course, you’re naked.

27) Looks are not as important as they’d have you believe. We really prefer humor, brains, and confidence.

28) We fall asleep after sex only because it was good. If we hopped off you the second it was over and rushed to go take the dog for a walk and mow the lawn, you might appreciate this more.

29) We don’t care about the toilet seat. We will never care about the toilet seat.

30)  More than anything, we want you to inspire us. Behind every brave act, every world-changing event, and every brilliant work of art – is a woman. We want you to be our Mona Lisa.

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